squeaklings: (lovely complex - koizumi ootani)
[personal profile] squeaklings
Title: Beach Babes 4 (or: that unfortunate conversation with Garnet)
Wordcount: 1319
Fandom: Steven Universe
Rating: T
Warnings: discussions of sex
Summary: The Talk (sort of).
Notes: Crack fic based off one line in my cabin story. Takes place roughly a year before that one.

Steven felt the whoosh of the door as he backed into the Big Donut, and he stood waving just inside the entrance until the little car was out of sight.

“Was that Connie? You two are so cute.”

Steven turned and grinned at Sadie as he walked into the shop. Lars rolled his eyes and carried an empty box into the back room as Steven leaned on the counter.

“She’s going away for a couple weeks with her parents. They’re visiting one of her aunts out west.”

“Two weeks, huh?” Sadie asked, leaning on the counter herself.

Steven shrugged. “It’s OK. She said she would let me know when she got there and she’d try to call every day. And it’s just a couple weeks.”

Sadie lifted an eyebrow. “Yeah, but, hasn’t she been away all semester at school?”


“Ugh, I’d die,” Lars said as he returned to the front. “I don’t know how you stand it.”

Steven blinked. “Stand what?”

“You know.” Lars wiggled his eyebrows but Steven just stared at him. “Seriously?” He slammed his hand on the counter and Sadie jumped. “Sex, Steven! And not getting any!”

To his credit, Steven didn’t turn entirely red. Sadie looked between the two men and sighed, then shoved Lars away. “Don’t listen to him, Steven. It’s fine to go at your own pace.” She paused and her cheeks turned pink. “You have at least kissed her, haven’t you?”

“Yes!” He scratched the back of his head and stared at the counter. “You guys are crazy about each other, right?” he asked, and missed the way Sadie and Lars stared in horror at him. “How do you tell someone that you,” his voice went very quiet, “think like that about them?”

“Aren’t you like, twenty? You two have been glued to the hip for years and you still haven’t done anything?” Lars cackled. “You’re killing me.”

Sadie elbowed him in the gut hard enough he started coughing. “Don’t be a jerk.” She turned back to Steven and patted his arm as Lars retreated to the back room. “Have you tried just telling her?”

He frowned and shook his head. “No…”

“Well,” she said, and smiled warmly. “Flowers and a nice dinner might help get the words out.”

“Pfft, hardly,” Lars cut in. He stalked out of the back room and shoved a DVD at Steven. “Learn it. Study it. And don’t say I never did anything for you.”

Steven stared down at the cover. “Beach Babes 4: Cumming to Town.” He frowned. “There’s a typo—“

LAAAAARS!” Sadie shrieked and lunged across the counter to grab the DVD away, but Lars blocked her. “Steven, that’s—“

“Research,” Lars finished with a grin. “Just…bring it back, OK?”

Steven left the Big Donut with the sounds of Sadie and Lars bickering (“In the breakroom?!”), the DVD tucked safely under his arm.


Alone in his room, Steven sat on his bed with a snack on his bedside table and a notebook and pen laid out before him. The page was split in two with a crookedly-drawn line, with Sadie’s advice on the left and Lars’ Advice on the right. He’d already written Dinner and Flowers under Sadie’s column, but the right side was blank. Lars’ DVD rested by Steven’s foot, the disc already in the player, and he gave one final look at the cover before he hit play.

He hastily scribbled Nighttime Swim?? under Lars’ column as the movie started. They both did like the beach, that could work. But he started to wonder just what kind of research movie this was when the woman walked out of the water completely naked, and his face turned red when she started making out with another naked woman on the beach.

Sadie’s horrified reaction suddenly made a lot more sense.

…But Steven didn’t turn it off, either. He added Intense Kissing to Lars’ column.

His scribbles became less legible the longer the movie went and the tighter his pants got, and he’d added at least six more things to the right-hand column by the time a man had joined the women and Steven heard a creak behind him. “Steven?”

“Ahh!” He fumbled the remote and smashed the pause button and stared over his shoulder at Garnet. She had her arms crossed over her chest and her head tilted to the side in curiosity, and Steven glanced back at the TV to see he’d paused the movie on a close-up of one of the women with her mouth on the man and he quickly turned the TV off. “G-Garnet!?”

“Steven.” Her voice sounded neutral, and that scared Steven even more. He closed the notebook and tried to use it to cover the tent in his pants.

“W-what’s up?” He flushed and she stared at him. “I didn’t hear you guys come back!” She kept staring at him and he shrunk in on himself. “N-nice weather outside?” She lowered her glasses and he started sweating and then blurted out, “Lars told me to study this because I sort of hinted that I wanna make love to Connie but I don’t know how to tell her and he said this was research please don’t be angry.”

“And there it is.” She smirked and he blushed harder. “I’m not angry, Steven.”

“You’re not?”

“No.” She replaced her glasses and uncrossed her arms. “You’re half-human, it’s natural. Although I expected this to happen a couple years ago.”

He relaxed slightly but kept the notebook where it was. “Do Gems ever feel this way?” He glanced over at Garnet and then away again. “I know you’re made and not born, but Ruby and Sapphire are always flirting whenever you’re separated.”

Garnet was silent for a long moment, and Steven plucked at the comforter near his knees. “There is no biological imperative,” she finally said with a shrug. “Just an intense emotional connection.” Another pause. “And it feels nice.”

“As nice as fusion?” He fidgeted a bit. “I mean, I know sex and fusion are different, but…”

She smiled. “Nothing is as nice as fusion for us, but close. For you, it’ll be different than being Stevonnie, but a good different.”

Steven plucked at the comforter again. “She’s my best friend and I love her, and I’m always happy when she’s with me. And I’m sure she’s happy, too. But what if she doesn’t feel,” he paused, “that same intense emotional connection?”

“Trust me,” Garnet said, and lowered her glasses again to wink with Sapphire’s eye, “she does.” She replaced her glasses and nodded at the notebook in his lap. “But I would go with Sadie’s suggestion before you try the nighttime swim.”


“Oh,” she added as she turned towards the stairs, “talk to Greg. He can explain it better than those books of Connie’s you’re going to borrow, and more realistically than your movie.”

She descended the stairs and he groaned and flopped onto his back with an arm thrown over his face. Why did this have to be so complicated? After his breakdown at the Sky Arena years ago he’d never had difficulty talking with Connie, but this just petrified him. He lowered his arm to look at the notebook lying next to his hip and idly flipped it back open to his notes.

Was it really as easy as dinner and flowers? He could cook a nice meal, and they could eat it on his porch, and as the sun went down he could hold her hand and look her in the eye and tell her he wanted to be with her like that? His pants grew tight again at the thought, and he eyed the remote.

Garnet said to start with Sadie’s idea, not that Lars’ were all bad…right?

“Oh, and Steven?” Garnet’s voice trailed up from the kitchen, and he sat up and squeaked out a “Yes?!” “Turn the volume down next time.”


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