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squeaklingsTitle: It Could Never Be A Sin to Love You
Wordcount: 5570
Fandom: Piofiore
Rating: G
Warnings: Set directly after Orlok's Short Story, spoilers for his best ending. The author is not Catholic, Bad Religious Takes abound
Summary: “I think there is a difference between 'happy' and 'content,” Emilio eventually said. “It is true that God does not want His children to suffer, but to find happiness. That is a conclusion you yourself reached even before coming to us, is it not?
“You have found peace here, but can you say you are truly happy?”
The first thing Liliana became aware of was something warm and solid beside her. The next was the feeling of cloth between her fingers and a steady heartbeat beneath her palms. She drew herself closer to the warmth, mumbling softly, before her eyes quickly flew open and she craned her neck to see Orlok smiling down at her.
“Good morning, Lili.”
“...Ah!” Heart beating in her chest, Lili felt her face flush but couldn't look away. The memory of Orlok watching her, asking if he could stay, flooded her mind and her throat suddenly felt too dry. His eyes were bright despite the hour, and he looked more refreshed than she'd seen him in days. “Orlok, good morning. How are--” She paused. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes, very.” He'd laid down beside her and left some distance, but at some point in the night they must have turned towards each other. His right arm was nestled beneath her shoulder and his left rested lightly against her hip. When he spoke he shifted his right arm a bit to pull her closer, but Lili couldn't tell if it was a conscious motion or not. “Thank you for letting me stay. Emilio's advice was very wise.” His smile brightened, so soft and beautiful, and Liliana's heart lurched painfully. “Did you sleep well?”
“I... Yes.” It was strange. She didn't think she'd been having any difficulty sleeping since arriving here, not at all like Orlok had explained to her last night. But feeling his arms around her, her nose heady with the scent of clean linen and soap that she instinctively associated with him... Liliana felt more rested and comfortable than she could remember.
This was nothing at all like when they were on the run, huddled beneath a thin shoddy blanket for warmth. Those nights had always been full of anxiety, a dread buried deep that she hadn't wanted to acknowledge. But now was different. They were safe, surrounded by the Church and Her protection, her fears slowly fading into memory. Though they saw each other every day while taking care of the children at the orphanage, she found she'd missed this closeness and privacy.
And yet…
Liliana gently pushed herself away, telling herself she didn't miss his warmth or his breath against her neck or his heartbeat so close to hers. She sat up slowly and his hand fell away to lay between them atop the covers. She wondered if he could hear her heart beating.
“We should get up, though, or we'll be late to help out.” He pushed himself up onto his right elbow, a small frown tugging at his lips, and she quickly looked away from him. As she grabbed the blankets to toss them aside, she felt his fingers brush hers and froze, heart in her throat and warmth pooling in her belly. Had his touch always made her feel this way?
“Are you sick too, Lili?” His left hand gently touched her cheek, drawing her attention back to him, and his mismatched eyes bore into her, full of compassion and devotion, and Liliana's breath caught. His fingers felt like fire. “Do you have what I did?” His eyes widened in shock. “We should take you to Emilio so he can give you advice, too.”
“I don't think--”
Orlok was already up, though, the covers thrown aside as he rolled out of bed and then leaned in to pick her up. Liliana had a moment to relish the feeling of his arms around her again before her mind kicked back in and she thrust out a leg to stop him from opening the door.
“Orlok, please stop! I'm not even dressed!” Her nightgown was decent and warm for the winter months, but it was not proper clothing and the thought made her cheeks flare red as he paused and looked down at her in his arms.
“Ah, but--”
“Please put me down. I promise you I'm fine.”
He didn't look convinced, but did as she asked. Lili swayed slightly as her bare feet touched the ground, but Orlok's hands held her firm, his right on her upper arm and left on her hip.
“Thank you, Orlok.” She did her best to smile at him and hoped he didn't notice how she fidgeted slightly. The fingers of his prosthetic hand felt cold even through the thick fabric of her nightgown, but her side was hot beneath his left hand. “I'll meet you in the refectory for breakfast, all right? I really am fine.”
“If you say so.” He hesitated before taking a step back, hands falling limply to his sides. She smiled brightly one last time and he quickly leaned in to peck a quick kiss to her lips. Lili blushed scarlet and he grinned before quietly slipping out of her room.
Almost as soon as the door clicked shut she stumbled back towards her bed, her knees jelly and heart pounding rapidly. Where was this coming from so suddenly? Even when he kissed her out in town, or in the gardens when the children weren't looking, she hadn't felt this overwhelmed. How could one peaceful morning waking up beside him set her alight like this?
She'd been surprised when he woke her in the night, and even more surprised when he really truly did just want to sleep. Doing...things...with him had never really crossed her mind before then; they'd met and become friends through a whirlwind of fear and pain and only recently found peace. She loved him, but they were still learning so much about each other they never had a chance to before. Lili was content with the life they led now. But as Orlok had laid out his “condition” in his plain, simple way she'd realized exactly what he didn't understand and the feelings she'd been unconsciously denying and, and–
“We can't.” Raised as she was in the Church, Liliana wasn't completely uneducated about temptation and desire. Of course they had learned about it as sins and had the very bare minimum sexual education the church provided, but she'd also heard gossip among the other girls before they eventually left, and even shared late-night stories with Elena about dreams with a future husband who would come and sweep her off her feet. She understood, but had never had any real experience until now.
But Orlok was raised only to know the Church's teachings that would support the false duty he'd been given. He was innocent and pure, at least in that regard, and she told herself that over and over as she quickly got dressed. That must have been why Emilio told him to visit her. Orlok would never think to do anything against the teachings. It was her own thinking that was sinful.
But is it even a sin to love someone like this? she found herself questioning as she opened her door to find Orlok waiting patiently.
“I hope you don't mind,” he said, his voice soft and a shy smile on his lips. “You said to meet you, but…”
“Not at all,” she said, warmth filling her chest.
"Ah, Lili, I wanted to ask. Could I–"
Laughter echoed down the hall as the children woke and rushed from their rooms. Emma and Vittoria dashed by, and Orlok moved aside so they could pass easier.
"Big sister, big brother, let's get breakfast!" Tiny hands grabbed theirs, and Liliana and Orlok were dragged behind to start their day.
—
The usual tasks and chores filled their day as normal, despite the turmoil raging within her every time Liliana would look over and catch Orlok watching her. She'd become so used to his eyes on her that his gaze no longer registered. He was a part of her life here at the Church; he greeted her outside her room every morning, helped her herd the children to breakfast, chatted with her while she did laundry and he took care of the grounds. She never thought she wanted anything else, but the chills that shook her every time she felt his eyes on her, and the tightness in her stomach when his fingers brushed hers…
She just hoped he didn't notice.
“Big sister!” Vittoria ran up to her later that afternoon as Liliana finished drying the last dish from their dinner, a big grin on her face. “Big sis, can I braid your hair? Emma taught me how!”
“Oh, she did?” Lili caught Orlok near the door out of the corner of her eye and gave him a slight nod. “I'd like that, why don't we go sit in the refectory?” Vittoria cheered and nearly pulled Liliana out of the room past Orlok. Lili mouthed a silent “thank you” and he smiled before silently trailing behind.
The journey to the refectory wasn't long, and Lili was able to ignore the feel of Orlok's eyes on her as the young girl chatted happily at her. Emma greeted them along the way; she was a couple years older than Vittoria, and had become the young girl's de facto older sister. They reminded Lili of her and Elena, although the thought of her friend always left her feeling lonely.
She hadn't written to Elena or Sister Sofia yet, although Emilio promised he had given them an update about her health. Though the Visconti were busy securing Burlone, she hadn't wanted to risk any missives being caught by them and putting her family back at the church in danger. It hurt, knowing she couldn't see them again, and Orlok had held her as she cried at the realization more than a few times.
“Here, why don't I sit down over there,” Lili said as she pointed to one of the chairs, and Vittoria pulled another over so she could climb up to stand behind as Liliana sat down. The young girl carefully ran her fingers through Lili's hair, pulling a bit at the tangles and apologizing each time, but the older woman just laughed and encouraged her.
When was the last time someone had done her hair like this? All the girls at the church used to sit around and brush and braid each other’s hair while growing up, but even since before becoming an adult Lili had always styled her own. The gentle pull of her hair, the excited chatting of Vittoria by her ear; it was nostalgic and calming, and she found it was so easy to let her cares wash away as each moment passed.
But she could feel Orlok looking over her shoulder while still trying to keep distance, and Lili tried to glance at him, only to be reprimanded by the young girl with her fingers tangled in her hair. Luckily Emma came to her rescue, appearing next to him and tugging at his shirt.
“Did you want to learn, Orlok?”
He hesitated. “I...”
Vittoria grinned and nearly lost the strands of hair she held. “Big bro will braid our hair?”
“I…” He looked at Lili and she smiled encouragingly. “...I don’t know how.”
“I can show you!” Emma pulled him towards another chair and forcefully sat him down. Orlok let her position him, and sighed playfully as the girl dragged another chair over to climb onto as Vittoria had done. “You have very soft hair, big brother.”
“Do I?”
“Yup!” She combed her hands through the strands and hummed happily.
“Emma?” Lili asked, a laugh on her voice. “How will he learn if he’s the one having his hair done?”
“Huh? Oh! Um…” The young girl paused, her face scrunched up in serious thought.
“It’s okay,” he said softly. “You can practice on me, and when Lili is finished maybe she can do yours to show me?” Emma beamed at the suggestion, chattering happily at him as she pulled and tugged at his hair. Lili felt her heart leap again as she watched them, and had to turn away when Orlok’s eyes met hers.
“And done!” Vittoria clapped at her handiwork a few minutes later, and Lili reached up to touch the braid running down her back. She could feel loose hairs and one part she was sure had ended up in a knot, but she turned and gave the young girl a big hug, a smile brightening her face.
“Thank you, Vittoria, it's lovely. You did a great job.” The young girl preened. “Orlok looks lovely as well,” she added to Emma. His hair was too short to properly braid, so he had a handful of small messy braids sticking out every which way. Orlok blushed in embarrassment.
“My turn!” Emma plopped down in her chair as Liliana approached, wriggling in barely contained excitement.
“Hold still now,” Lili chided gently, then reached out to grab Orlok’s hands. The leather of his glove was rough. “The first thing you need to do after combing it out is to part the hair, like this,” she began, voice soft as Orlok stood shoulder to shoulder, close enough she could feel his breath ghost her cheek every now and then. She couldn’t fully focus on the lesson, eyeing his serious face every few moments, but thankfully it seemed none of them noticed her flightiness.
Eventually she had Orlok take over, her hands guiding his through the motions. The smaller movements gave his right hand trouble, but he powered through with his usual stoicness. He was a good student, quick to learn, and by the time their lesson finished Emma had a slightly messy and skewed braid trailing down her back.
“Heeeee!” The young girl showed herself off before she jumped off the chair. Lili was sure Orlok had a faint blush coloring his cheeks, but he looked away as soon as he noticed her watching him. Vittoria made a comment Lili couldn’t quite hear, and then Emma was chasing her around the refectory.
“No running inside please!” Liliana started to go after the young girls, but they just giggled and dashed out the door. “Really now,” she huffed as the sounds of their laughter echoed through the hall. “Make sure you go straight to bed!” she called futilely, and Orlok chuckled. “Don’t you start,” she chided, but her voice was light and her cheeks hurt from smiling.
“You’re always so good with them.”
“They remind me of the children back in Burlone. …And Elena and myself.” Her smile fell a little at that. “I miss them.”
“I know.” His eyes looked towards the hallway, but they had that glassy look he would get sometimes. Not for the first time Liliana wanted to ask him what he was thinking, wanted him to lay bare all his troubles, but she couldn’t find the words.
“She’s safe,” she said instead, trusting in Emilio. “Everyone at the church is. We have to take comfort in that.” Suddenly she pressed her hands to her own cheeks and took a deep breath. Orlok stared at her with wide eyes, surprised at the sound of her palms hitting her skin. “No need to be down, right? There’s still work to be done, after all! I hadn’t finished in the kitchen yet.”
“Would you like me to help?”
“Thank you.” They moved towards the hallway, but a light touch on her back sent a chill through her entire body, and she turned to see Orlok gently holding her braid in his hands. “Orlok...?”
“Ah, sorry. I just…” He looked away, his cheeks red. “I was thinking that this looks nice on you.” She felt her face flush and her braid fell from his fingers as she fidgeted. “Ah...did I say something wrong?”
“N-no! Not at all.” She faced him properly and smiled as best she could past the lump in her throat. Her heart was going to break out of her chest if this continued. “Thank you, Orlok. I was just a bit embarrassed, that's all.”
They stood awkwardly for a few moments before Orlok reached for her hand. “Lili, I wanted to ask earlier, but can I st--”
Lili backed away quickly, heart beating wildly in her chest and body hot enough she was sure he could feel it. His face fell as she clutched her hands in front of her. “A-actually, I think I can handle the rest myself. You should go rest.” The words tumbled out before she could stop them, her heart screaming at her. She didn't give him a chance to reply before she darted away towards the kitchens.
What was wrong with her? This was Orlok. Her companion and friend, the man she loved, but she couldn’t get her body or heart to stop reacting to him just being near. Doing chores and being with the children had helped quell it, but left alone, with his eyes so clear and just knowing deep inside what he was going to ask…
Why couldn’t she just be honest with herself?
They had committed so many sins to arrive here safely and had yet to even begin atoning for any of them. Though they weren't as beholden to their faith as they once were, it felt wrong to give into these feelings, as though she was being rewarded while her mistakes remained unaddressed.
And yet. And yet. She wanted so much to tell him yes.
“Lili, please wait!”
Orlok's voice stopped her instantly, feet rooted to the ground as she gulped in breaths. He caught up to her easily, his hands encircling her shoulders as he leaned in close to look at her face. His eyes were wide, his pain clearly visible, and she had to look away.
“Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I--”
“No, Orlok, you did nothing wrong.” She breathed deep, chest tight, and forced herself to meet his eyes. “I--”
“Is something the matter?” They both jolted to attention as one of the nuns called to them from the end of the hallway, a small frown on her face. “Liliana, did you need help?”
“Ahh, no Sister. I was just finishing up. Orlok was helping me.” The lie was slight, but she felt her cheeks burn with shame anyway. The nun eyed them for a few moments more before nodding curtly.
“I see. Hurry and finish, then.”
Lili backed away as soon as the nun was out of sight, and Orlok's hands fell limply to his sides. She couldn't quite read his expression, but didn't give herself a chance to, either. “I'll see you tomorrow, all right?” She skirted past him, eyes down. “Good night, Orlok.”
She felt his eyes on her as she fled, but did not look back.
—
Orlok was nowhere to be seen when she woke the next morning.
Liliana forced herself out of bed, body ragged from a night of restless sleep, and told herself she wasn't disappointed he hadn't come into her room again. If she didn't know the cause of the fluttering in her belly and the tightness of her chest, she'd fear she truly was ill. A quick splash of water to her face, a less-quick brushing of the tangles Vittoria's braid had left in her hair, and Liliana felt like she could at least do her duties and not cause any worry among her peers and the children.
How hard could it be to get through the day, really?
When Orlok didn’t appear all day, or even the next, she understood just how miserable she could truly be.
“Big sis, are you ok?”
She glanced down at one of the boys as he tugged at her skirt. Sunlight dappled the laundry she held in her hands, and the boy blinked up at her owlishly.
“You've been standing still and staring at nothing for awhile now, are you ok?”
“Ah... Ah, yes, I am. Thank you, but there's no need to worry.”
He eyed her skeptically, and she was reminded of Luca. The memory hurt, and she quickly turned back to the laundry.
“If you say so, big sis. Oh, do you know where big bro is? He's usually with you, but we haven’t seen him in a few days.”
Liliana almost dropped the sheet she held. “He’s… He was sent on an errand, but he should return any day now.” Please let it be an errand. A safe errand... Her throat tightened at the thought she may have pushed him away forever, but she shoved the fear far back into her mind as she’d done countless times since he’d disappeared. The air felt cold despite the bright sun shining down on them.
“Yes, I asked him to deliver a message.”
Emilio appeared as he always did, silent and mysterious, and Liliana actually did drop the sheet. She caught it before the wind did, and hurriedly clipped it to the clothesline.
“Emilio, you startled me.” She pressed a hand to her chest to steady her breathing, then smiled at the boy and gently shooed him off to play with his friends. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
“Hmmm. Perhaps.” He smiled at her, but she did not feel relieved. “Would you walk with me?”
“Of course.” She called some of the children over to help hang the last few sheets, and brushed her hands against her skirts as she followed after the other man.
“Orlok tells me you've been unwell. He fears you caught his ‘illness’.”
His words surprised her and Lili nearly tripped as they made their way down a small path through the gardens. No one was around to see, and Emilio himself didn't seem to notice.
“I... I'm fine, really.”
“Hmm. Is that so?” He reached out to touch one of the bushes that lined the pathway. “It sounded quite dire, the way he explained it.” Lili's face blanched as she tried to find words. “He said you were flushed every time he was near, and couldn't even look at him.” He glanced over at her through his eyelashes.
“That's--”
Emilio stopped and turned to look at her, a small smile on his face. “From his description, it sounds like the same symptoms he came to me about the other day.”
Liliana felt her face heat up in shame and quickly looked down, hoping Emilio wouldn't notice. He chuckled softly and she gripped her skirts to keep her hands from fidgeting.
“There's nothing to be ashamed of, Liliana.”
“But...”
“What do you think is most important in this life?” He smiled wider as she looked up at him in confusion. “What does God want most for His children, do you think?”
“I...” She frowned, her mind swirling. Hadn't Orlok asked something similar, back at the hotel? “For us to be happy, I think.”
Emilio’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “And are you happy, Liliana?”
“Yes, of course!” Her hands flew to her chest as she spoke, voice rising on the wind, and Emilio eyed her with that uncanny smile never leaving his face. “I...I am happy here. We're safe, and I have a chance to repay the kindness that has been given to me. I am happy here.”
Emilio hummed and took a long moment to study the leaves beneath his fingers. “I think there is a difference between 'happy' and 'content,” he eventually said, eyes still on the plant beside him. “It is true that God does not want His children to suffer, but to find happiness. That is a conclusion you yourself reached even before coming to us, is it not?” Seemingly satisfied with his survey, he looked up at her, that same small smile tugging at his lips. “You have found peace here, but can you say you are truly happy?”
He waited patiently for a reply he knew wasn't coming as Lili stood in shock, heart in her throat and eyes wide. After a long moment he turned and looked up at the sky, blond hair caught up in the cold breeze.
“I–” Her voice was faint even to her ears, but Emilio turned his head to look at her, an eyebrow raised. “I don’t know what to do.” The admission stung, but Orlok had trusted Emilio with his problems, so why not do the same? “You sent Orlok to see me, and it seemed to help him, but I… It’s a sin to feel this way, isn’t it?”
“A sin?” Emilio chuckled. “What sin would that be?”
Liliana stared at him, her words frozen in her throat. Emilio waited patiently, the cool breeze blowing his hair around his eyes.
“It’s…embarrassing to say…” she finally whispered, finding the ground extremely interesting as Emilio laughed brightly.
“You two…” His laugh subsided, but the mirth remained in his voice. “Tell me. If a married couple desires each other, is that a sin?” Liliana shook her head. “Why not? Because they are wed, or because they are in love?”
“M-marriage is sacred…” And we aren’t wed.
Emilio hummed. “Indeed. But the act is the same regardless, is it not?” Liliana’s head shot up to stare at him with wide eyes. “Lust and desire are two sides of the same coin, do you not agree?” He held his hands out, palms up. “One is physical, and one is emotional, yet only one is a sin.”
“But–”
“Did you have this ‘illness’ when you first met, or did it appear gradually?”
“After…after everything that happened. After we arrived here,” she finally said, unable to say exactly what she meant. Emilio simply smiled at her. “After I realized I loved him.” Her eyes drifted down to study her feet again as she shifted awkwardly.
Emilio’s voice was kind as he walked up and took her hands in his. “Finding happiness is never something to be ashamed of.” He squeezed her hands briefly, his smile warm as he stepped back. “Thank you for walking with me, Liliana. I'm sorry to have pulled you away from your duties just to hear my musings.”
With that, Emilio walked off to disappear around a bend, leaving Liliana alone with her thoughts once more. Had he just given his blessing for her to be with Orlok? He never spoke directly, always leaving things unsaid in the cracks between words; she could spend her entire life here and still not understand him.
But still…
Orlok was waiting for her by the door of the Church as she exited the path, the laundry basket in his hands and a nervous smile tugging at his lips. Her heart lurched into her throat, and she ran to him without thought of how it might look, tears threatening to fall – he was here, he was safe! Orlok dropped the basket just before she flung her arms around his neck and kissed him, uncaring who might be watching. His arms wound around her waist without any hesitation, his grip strong as he kissed her back, sweet and gentle.
“Hello, Lili. I just returned.” She could feel his smile against her lips before he pressed his forehead to hers. “I'm sorry for not telling you I had to leave.”
His voice was like Heaven. “You have nothing to apologize for, Orlok.” She released his neck and brushed the tears off her cheeks. Orlok held her a moment longer before letting his hands fall to her side, and she bent down to pick up the basket with a smile before she glanced down guiltily. “I'm sorry, though, for how I treated you the other day. I was unkind.”
“No. You have never been unkind to me.”
Lili's heart felt like it would burst from her chest if it didn't suffocate her first. She leaned in and pressed her forehead against his shoulder, breathing in his scent and finding it calmed her. The world felt right again.
“Thank you. Will you help me?” She pulled away and hefted the basket against her side. “We have to prepare for dinner,” and I don’t want to lose sight of you again. She finished the thought silently as Orlok nodded. He reached out for her right hand as they walked through the door, and didn’t let go.
—
He entered her room later that night, his hair a wet and tangled mess, and she set her book aside as she sighed and called him over.
“Let me dry your hair.” He hesitated and she patted the spot on the bed beside her. “Please?”
“...Okay.” He sat down as she bid, and Lili began drying his hair with the towel, careful not to tangle it too much. Orlok huffed slightly, and she pressed her hand against his forearm.
“I honestly do enjoy doing this for you.” She hoped he wasn't thinking she thought of him like a younger brother again. “Your hair is soft and beautiful, and it's calming just...sitting here like this. I like it.”
He hummed softly. Lili took that as a sign to continue.
“You were gone longer than usual,” she broke the silence a few minutes later, toying with the tips of his hair. “Were you okay? Nothing happened?”
Orlok’s breath hitched and she frowned. Lili leaned forward to catch a glimpse of his face and nearly bumped her forehead against his as he twisted to look back at her. “Ah, sorry! Are you okay?” At her nod he sighed and some of the tension in his shoulders eased. “Emilio asked me to send a message to a friend of his. It was simple enough, and safe. I just…” His face flushed. “I had to stay a little longer, is all.”
“Orlok?” Lili reached out to touch his cheek and draw his gaze towards her. “If it’s something you can’t tell me, I’ll understand. I just need to be sure you really are okay.”
He pressed his hand against hers, the metal cool against her heated skin. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.” He fidgeted, mouth opening and closing a few times before he could get the words out. “There was a Sister who reminded me of Sofia. I don’t know what Emilio wrote, but she started asking me about birds and bees, and when I didn’t understand she made me sit down and, um… I got a lecture.” He finished in a near whisper, his face a deep red, and Liliana had to bite her lip to keep back the laugh threatening to burst out. “It was…very embarrassing…”
“I remember when Elena and I were given that talk,” she finally said, quelling the laughter for a moment. “It was the most mortifying feeling.” It was odd he hadn’t gotten that yet, but that explained so much about the other night. Bishop Rosberg really hadn’t been the kind mentor Orlok thought he’d been.
“I didn’t enjoy it,” he admitted, her hand still pressed against his cheek, and only then did it occur to her.
Orlok’s feelings. Emilio’s advice. Them, alone, sitting on her bed.
Her expression must have changed with the flush that overtook her entire body, because Orlok suddenly tilted his head to the side in curiosity, his brow drawn down as he studied her face. She tried to gently pull her hand away from his cheek, but he didn’t let her. Instead he lifted his left hand up to her face, his knuckles brushing her skin, and she shivered to realize how much she wanted him to touch her again.
“Hey Lili?” His voice wavered slightly, and he traced his fingers to the nape of her neck to caress a strand of hair. “Can I try to braid your hair?”
“O-of course.” The fire that threatened to consume her very nearly did, her thoughts a jumbled mess and her heart in her throat, but she somehow kept herself still as Orlok shifted her around so that she faced away from him.
He picked up the discarded brush beside her, and Liliana sighed at the first gentle strokes through her hair. This was good, this was safe. The feelings that nearly overwhelmed her calmed down with each pull of the brush. She could sit here forever with Orlok beside her, his fingers brushing the nape of her neck as he carefully gathered her hair behind her. This was happiness, wasn’t it? This was enough.
“Finding happiness is never something to be ashamed of.”
Orlok's fingers brushed her temple as he gently separated locks of hair, the fine strands slipping through his fingers again and again. Liliana leaned into him, eyes closed as she let her feelings wash over her. Orlok had been brave enough to confront this, she could be too.
“I like this.”
“I do, too.”
“Not just this but...” She felt her face heat up. Had it ever cooled down? “Being here together. Helping out with the children, taking walks into town together.” Her heart was beating wildly. “When your hands brush mine, when you kiss me.” His fingers had paused halfway through making her braid, but Liliana continued, unable to stop but unable to keep herself from blushing and fidgeting, either. “Waking up in your arms...”
“Lili...?”
“I understand the pain you were feeling, Orlok. The ‘illness’ you described, I have it too. I just didn't realize it until the other day.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “It's so strong that it scares me, and embarrasses me, and I can’t look at you, and I nearly pushed you away because of that.” Liliana turned around so she could face him, so close she was practically in his arms. “I love you. More than anything, and I–”
His arms looped around her waist and pulled her closer, and Liliana squeaked in surprise. She was nestled against his chest, his legs to either side of her as he buried his face against the top of her head.
“Can I--” his voice broke slightly and he held her tighter. “Can I stay here tonight?”
“Please.”
Wordcount: 5570
Fandom: Piofiore
Rating: G
Warnings: Set directly after Orlok's Short Story, spoilers for his best ending. The author is not Catholic, Bad Religious Takes abound
Summary: “I think there is a difference between 'happy' and 'content,” Emilio eventually said. “It is true that God does not want His children to suffer, but to find happiness. That is a conclusion you yourself reached even before coming to us, is it not?
“You have found peace here, but can you say you are truly happy?”
The first thing Liliana became aware of was something warm and solid beside her. The next was the feeling of cloth between her fingers and a steady heartbeat beneath her palms. She drew herself closer to the warmth, mumbling softly, before her eyes quickly flew open and she craned her neck to see Orlok smiling down at her.
“Good morning, Lili.”
“...Ah!” Heart beating in her chest, Lili felt her face flush but couldn't look away. The memory of Orlok watching her, asking if he could stay, flooded her mind and her throat suddenly felt too dry. His eyes were bright despite the hour, and he looked more refreshed than she'd seen him in days. “Orlok, good morning. How are--” She paused. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes, very.” He'd laid down beside her and left some distance, but at some point in the night they must have turned towards each other. His right arm was nestled beneath her shoulder and his left rested lightly against her hip. When he spoke he shifted his right arm a bit to pull her closer, but Lili couldn't tell if it was a conscious motion or not. “Thank you for letting me stay. Emilio's advice was very wise.” His smile brightened, so soft and beautiful, and Liliana's heart lurched painfully. “Did you sleep well?”
“I... Yes.” It was strange. She didn't think she'd been having any difficulty sleeping since arriving here, not at all like Orlok had explained to her last night. But feeling his arms around her, her nose heady with the scent of clean linen and soap that she instinctively associated with him... Liliana felt more rested and comfortable than she could remember.
This was nothing at all like when they were on the run, huddled beneath a thin shoddy blanket for warmth. Those nights had always been full of anxiety, a dread buried deep that she hadn't wanted to acknowledge. But now was different. They were safe, surrounded by the Church and Her protection, her fears slowly fading into memory. Though they saw each other every day while taking care of the children at the orphanage, she found she'd missed this closeness and privacy.
And yet…
Liliana gently pushed herself away, telling herself she didn't miss his warmth or his breath against her neck or his heartbeat so close to hers. She sat up slowly and his hand fell away to lay between them atop the covers. She wondered if he could hear her heart beating.
“We should get up, though, or we'll be late to help out.” He pushed himself up onto his right elbow, a small frown tugging at his lips, and she quickly looked away from him. As she grabbed the blankets to toss them aside, she felt his fingers brush hers and froze, heart in her throat and warmth pooling in her belly. Had his touch always made her feel this way?
“Are you sick too, Lili?” His left hand gently touched her cheek, drawing her attention back to him, and his mismatched eyes bore into her, full of compassion and devotion, and Liliana's breath caught. His fingers felt like fire. “Do you have what I did?” His eyes widened in shock. “We should take you to Emilio so he can give you advice, too.”
“I don't think--”
Orlok was already up, though, the covers thrown aside as he rolled out of bed and then leaned in to pick her up. Liliana had a moment to relish the feeling of his arms around her again before her mind kicked back in and she thrust out a leg to stop him from opening the door.
“Orlok, please stop! I'm not even dressed!” Her nightgown was decent and warm for the winter months, but it was not proper clothing and the thought made her cheeks flare red as he paused and looked down at her in his arms.
“Ah, but--”
“Please put me down. I promise you I'm fine.”
He didn't look convinced, but did as she asked. Lili swayed slightly as her bare feet touched the ground, but Orlok's hands held her firm, his right on her upper arm and left on her hip.
“Thank you, Orlok.” She did her best to smile at him and hoped he didn't notice how she fidgeted slightly. The fingers of his prosthetic hand felt cold even through the thick fabric of her nightgown, but her side was hot beneath his left hand. “I'll meet you in the refectory for breakfast, all right? I really am fine.”
“If you say so.” He hesitated before taking a step back, hands falling limply to his sides. She smiled brightly one last time and he quickly leaned in to peck a quick kiss to her lips. Lili blushed scarlet and he grinned before quietly slipping out of her room.
Almost as soon as the door clicked shut she stumbled back towards her bed, her knees jelly and heart pounding rapidly. Where was this coming from so suddenly? Even when he kissed her out in town, or in the gardens when the children weren't looking, she hadn't felt this overwhelmed. How could one peaceful morning waking up beside him set her alight like this?
She'd been surprised when he woke her in the night, and even more surprised when he really truly did just want to sleep. Doing...things...with him had never really crossed her mind before then; they'd met and become friends through a whirlwind of fear and pain and only recently found peace. She loved him, but they were still learning so much about each other they never had a chance to before. Lili was content with the life they led now. But as Orlok had laid out his “condition” in his plain, simple way she'd realized exactly what he didn't understand and the feelings she'd been unconsciously denying and, and–
“We can't.” Raised as she was in the Church, Liliana wasn't completely uneducated about temptation and desire. Of course they had learned about it as sins and had the very bare minimum sexual education the church provided, but she'd also heard gossip among the other girls before they eventually left, and even shared late-night stories with Elena about dreams with a future husband who would come and sweep her off her feet. She understood, but had never had any real experience until now.
But Orlok was raised only to know the Church's teachings that would support the false duty he'd been given. He was innocent and pure, at least in that regard, and she told herself that over and over as she quickly got dressed. That must have been why Emilio told him to visit her. Orlok would never think to do anything against the teachings. It was her own thinking that was sinful.
But is it even a sin to love someone like this? she found herself questioning as she opened her door to find Orlok waiting patiently.
“I hope you don't mind,” he said, his voice soft and a shy smile on his lips. “You said to meet you, but…”
“Not at all,” she said, warmth filling her chest.
"Ah, Lili, I wanted to ask. Could I–"
Laughter echoed down the hall as the children woke and rushed from their rooms. Emma and Vittoria dashed by, and Orlok moved aside so they could pass easier.
"Big sister, big brother, let's get breakfast!" Tiny hands grabbed theirs, and Liliana and Orlok were dragged behind to start their day.
—
The usual tasks and chores filled their day as normal, despite the turmoil raging within her every time Liliana would look over and catch Orlok watching her. She'd become so used to his eyes on her that his gaze no longer registered. He was a part of her life here at the Church; he greeted her outside her room every morning, helped her herd the children to breakfast, chatted with her while she did laundry and he took care of the grounds. She never thought she wanted anything else, but the chills that shook her every time she felt his eyes on her, and the tightness in her stomach when his fingers brushed hers…
She just hoped he didn't notice.
“Big sister!” Vittoria ran up to her later that afternoon as Liliana finished drying the last dish from their dinner, a big grin on her face. “Big sis, can I braid your hair? Emma taught me how!”
“Oh, she did?” Lili caught Orlok near the door out of the corner of her eye and gave him a slight nod. “I'd like that, why don't we go sit in the refectory?” Vittoria cheered and nearly pulled Liliana out of the room past Orlok. Lili mouthed a silent “thank you” and he smiled before silently trailing behind.
The journey to the refectory wasn't long, and Lili was able to ignore the feel of Orlok's eyes on her as the young girl chatted happily at her. Emma greeted them along the way; she was a couple years older than Vittoria, and had become the young girl's de facto older sister. They reminded Lili of her and Elena, although the thought of her friend always left her feeling lonely.
She hadn't written to Elena or Sister Sofia yet, although Emilio promised he had given them an update about her health. Though the Visconti were busy securing Burlone, she hadn't wanted to risk any missives being caught by them and putting her family back at the church in danger. It hurt, knowing she couldn't see them again, and Orlok had held her as she cried at the realization more than a few times.
“Here, why don't I sit down over there,” Lili said as she pointed to one of the chairs, and Vittoria pulled another over so she could climb up to stand behind as Liliana sat down. The young girl carefully ran her fingers through Lili's hair, pulling a bit at the tangles and apologizing each time, but the older woman just laughed and encouraged her.
When was the last time someone had done her hair like this? All the girls at the church used to sit around and brush and braid each other’s hair while growing up, but even since before becoming an adult Lili had always styled her own. The gentle pull of her hair, the excited chatting of Vittoria by her ear; it was nostalgic and calming, and she found it was so easy to let her cares wash away as each moment passed.
But she could feel Orlok looking over her shoulder while still trying to keep distance, and Lili tried to glance at him, only to be reprimanded by the young girl with her fingers tangled in her hair. Luckily Emma came to her rescue, appearing next to him and tugging at his shirt.
“Did you want to learn, Orlok?”
He hesitated. “I...”
Vittoria grinned and nearly lost the strands of hair she held. “Big bro will braid our hair?”
“I…” He looked at Lili and she smiled encouragingly. “...I don’t know how.”
“I can show you!” Emma pulled him towards another chair and forcefully sat him down. Orlok let her position him, and sighed playfully as the girl dragged another chair over to climb onto as Vittoria had done. “You have very soft hair, big brother.”
“Do I?”
“Yup!” She combed her hands through the strands and hummed happily.
“Emma?” Lili asked, a laugh on her voice. “How will he learn if he’s the one having his hair done?”
“Huh? Oh! Um…” The young girl paused, her face scrunched up in serious thought.
“It’s okay,” he said softly. “You can practice on me, and when Lili is finished maybe she can do yours to show me?” Emma beamed at the suggestion, chattering happily at him as she pulled and tugged at his hair. Lili felt her heart leap again as she watched them, and had to turn away when Orlok’s eyes met hers.
“And done!” Vittoria clapped at her handiwork a few minutes later, and Lili reached up to touch the braid running down her back. She could feel loose hairs and one part she was sure had ended up in a knot, but she turned and gave the young girl a big hug, a smile brightening her face.
“Thank you, Vittoria, it's lovely. You did a great job.” The young girl preened. “Orlok looks lovely as well,” she added to Emma. His hair was too short to properly braid, so he had a handful of small messy braids sticking out every which way. Orlok blushed in embarrassment.
“My turn!” Emma plopped down in her chair as Liliana approached, wriggling in barely contained excitement.
“Hold still now,” Lili chided gently, then reached out to grab Orlok’s hands. The leather of his glove was rough. “The first thing you need to do after combing it out is to part the hair, like this,” she began, voice soft as Orlok stood shoulder to shoulder, close enough she could feel his breath ghost her cheek every now and then. She couldn’t fully focus on the lesson, eyeing his serious face every few moments, but thankfully it seemed none of them noticed her flightiness.
Eventually she had Orlok take over, her hands guiding his through the motions. The smaller movements gave his right hand trouble, but he powered through with his usual stoicness. He was a good student, quick to learn, and by the time their lesson finished Emma had a slightly messy and skewed braid trailing down her back.
“Heeeee!” The young girl showed herself off before she jumped off the chair. Lili was sure Orlok had a faint blush coloring his cheeks, but he looked away as soon as he noticed her watching him. Vittoria made a comment Lili couldn’t quite hear, and then Emma was chasing her around the refectory.
“No running inside please!” Liliana started to go after the young girls, but they just giggled and dashed out the door. “Really now,” she huffed as the sounds of their laughter echoed through the hall. “Make sure you go straight to bed!” she called futilely, and Orlok chuckled. “Don’t you start,” she chided, but her voice was light and her cheeks hurt from smiling.
“You’re always so good with them.”
“They remind me of the children back in Burlone. …And Elena and myself.” Her smile fell a little at that. “I miss them.”
“I know.” His eyes looked towards the hallway, but they had that glassy look he would get sometimes. Not for the first time Liliana wanted to ask him what he was thinking, wanted him to lay bare all his troubles, but she couldn’t find the words.
“She’s safe,” she said instead, trusting in Emilio. “Everyone at the church is. We have to take comfort in that.” Suddenly she pressed her hands to her own cheeks and took a deep breath. Orlok stared at her with wide eyes, surprised at the sound of her palms hitting her skin. “No need to be down, right? There’s still work to be done, after all! I hadn’t finished in the kitchen yet.”
“Would you like me to help?”
“Thank you.” They moved towards the hallway, but a light touch on her back sent a chill through her entire body, and she turned to see Orlok gently holding her braid in his hands. “Orlok...?”
“Ah, sorry. I just…” He looked away, his cheeks red. “I was thinking that this looks nice on you.” She felt her face flush and her braid fell from his fingers as she fidgeted. “Ah...did I say something wrong?”
“N-no! Not at all.” She faced him properly and smiled as best she could past the lump in her throat. Her heart was going to break out of her chest if this continued. “Thank you, Orlok. I was just a bit embarrassed, that's all.”
They stood awkwardly for a few moments before Orlok reached for her hand. “Lili, I wanted to ask earlier, but can I st--”
Lili backed away quickly, heart beating wildly in her chest and body hot enough she was sure he could feel it. His face fell as she clutched her hands in front of her. “A-actually, I think I can handle the rest myself. You should go rest.” The words tumbled out before she could stop them, her heart screaming at her. She didn't give him a chance to reply before she darted away towards the kitchens.
What was wrong with her? This was Orlok. Her companion and friend, the man she loved, but she couldn’t get her body or heart to stop reacting to him just being near. Doing chores and being with the children had helped quell it, but left alone, with his eyes so clear and just knowing deep inside what he was going to ask…
Why couldn’t she just be honest with herself?
They had committed so many sins to arrive here safely and had yet to even begin atoning for any of them. Though they weren't as beholden to their faith as they once were, it felt wrong to give into these feelings, as though she was being rewarded while her mistakes remained unaddressed.
And yet. And yet. She wanted so much to tell him yes.
“Lili, please wait!”
Orlok's voice stopped her instantly, feet rooted to the ground as she gulped in breaths. He caught up to her easily, his hands encircling her shoulders as he leaned in close to look at her face. His eyes were wide, his pain clearly visible, and she had to look away.
“Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I--”
“No, Orlok, you did nothing wrong.” She breathed deep, chest tight, and forced herself to meet his eyes. “I--”
“Is something the matter?” They both jolted to attention as one of the nuns called to them from the end of the hallway, a small frown on her face. “Liliana, did you need help?”
“Ahh, no Sister. I was just finishing up. Orlok was helping me.” The lie was slight, but she felt her cheeks burn with shame anyway. The nun eyed them for a few moments more before nodding curtly.
“I see. Hurry and finish, then.”
Lili backed away as soon as the nun was out of sight, and Orlok's hands fell limply to his sides. She couldn't quite read his expression, but didn't give herself a chance to, either. “I'll see you tomorrow, all right?” She skirted past him, eyes down. “Good night, Orlok.”
She felt his eyes on her as she fled, but did not look back.
—
Orlok was nowhere to be seen when she woke the next morning.
Liliana forced herself out of bed, body ragged from a night of restless sleep, and told herself she wasn't disappointed he hadn't come into her room again. If she didn't know the cause of the fluttering in her belly and the tightness of her chest, she'd fear she truly was ill. A quick splash of water to her face, a less-quick brushing of the tangles Vittoria's braid had left in her hair, and Liliana felt like she could at least do her duties and not cause any worry among her peers and the children.
How hard could it be to get through the day, really?
When Orlok didn’t appear all day, or even the next, she understood just how miserable she could truly be.
“Big sis, are you ok?”
She glanced down at one of the boys as he tugged at her skirt. Sunlight dappled the laundry she held in her hands, and the boy blinked up at her owlishly.
“You've been standing still and staring at nothing for awhile now, are you ok?”
“Ah... Ah, yes, I am. Thank you, but there's no need to worry.”
He eyed her skeptically, and she was reminded of Luca. The memory hurt, and she quickly turned back to the laundry.
“If you say so, big sis. Oh, do you know where big bro is? He's usually with you, but we haven’t seen him in a few days.”
Liliana almost dropped the sheet she held. “He’s… He was sent on an errand, but he should return any day now.” Please let it be an errand. A safe errand... Her throat tightened at the thought she may have pushed him away forever, but she shoved the fear far back into her mind as she’d done countless times since he’d disappeared. The air felt cold despite the bright sun shining down on them.
“Yes, I asked him to deliver a message.”
Emilio appeared as he always did, silent and mysterious, and Liliana actually did drop the sheet. She caught it before the wind did, and hurriedly clipped it to the clothesline.
“Emilio, you startled me.” She pressed a hand to her chest to steady her breathing, then smiled at the boy and gently shooed him off to play with his friends. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
“Hmmm. Perhaps.” He smiled at her, but she did not feel relieved. “Would you walk with me?”
“Of course.” She called some of the children over to help hang the last few sheets, and brushed her hands against her skirts as she followed after the other man.
“Orlok tells me you've been unwell. He fears you caught his ‘illness’.”
His words surprised her and Lili nearly tripped as they made their way down a small path through the gardens. No one was around to see, and Emilio himself didn't seem to notice.
“I... I'm fine, really.”
“Hmm. Is that so?” He reached out to touch one of the bushes that lined the pathway. “It sounded quite dire, the way he explained it.” Lili's face blanched as she tried to find words. “He said you were flushed every time he was near, and couldn't even look at him.” He glanced over at her through his eyelashes.
“That's--”
Emilio stopped and turned to look at her, a small smile on his face. “From his description, it sounds like the same symptoms he came to me about the other day.”
Liliana felt her face heat up in shame and quickly looked down, hoping Emilio wouldn't notice. He chuckled softly and she gripped her skirts to keep her hands from fidgeting.
“There's nothing to be ashamed of, Liliana.”
“But...”
“What do you think is most important in this life?” He smiled wider as she looked up at him in confusion. “What does God want most for His children, do you think?”
“I...” She frowned, her mind swirling. Hadn't Orlok asked something similar, back at the hotel? “For us to be happy, I think.”
Emilio’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “And are you happy, Liliana?”
“Yes, of course!” Her hands flew to her chest as she spoke, voice rising on the wind, and Emilio eyed her with that uncanny smile never leaving his face. “I...I am happy here. We're safe, and I have a chance to repay the kindness that has been given to me. I am happy here.”
Emilio hummed and took a long moment to study the leaves beneath his fingers. “I think there is a difference between 'happy' and 'content,” he eventually said, eyes still on the plant beside him. “It is true that God does not want His children to suffer, but to find happiness. That is a conclusion you yourself reached even before coming to us, is it not?” Seemingly satisfied with his survey, he looked up at her, that same small smile tugging at his lips. “You have found peace here, but can you say you are truly happy?”
He waited patiently for a reply he knew wasn't coming as Lili stood in shock, heart in her throat and eyes wide. After a long moment he turned and looked up at the sky, blond hair caught up in the cold breeze.
“I–” Her voice was faint even to her ears, but Emilio turned his head to look at her, an eyebrow raised. “I don’t know what to do.” The admission stung, but Orlok had trusted Emilio with his problems, so why not do the same? “You sent Orlok to see me, and it seemed to help him, but I… It’s a sin to feel this way, isn’t it?”
“A sin?” Emilio chuckled. “What sin would that be?”
Liliana stared at him, her words frozen in her throat. Emilio waited patiently, the cool breeze blowing his hair around his eyes.
“It’s…embarrassing to say…” she finally whispered, finding the ground extremely interesting as Emilio laughed brightly.
“You two…” His laugh subsided, but the mirth remained in his voice. “Tell me. If a married couple desires each other, is that a sin?” Liliana shook her head. “Why not? Because they are wed, or because they are in love?”
“M-marriage is sacred…” And we aren’t wed.
Emilio hummed. “Indeed. But the act is the same regardless, is it not?” Liliana’s head shot up to stare at him with wide eyes. “Lust and desire are two sides of the same coin, do you not agree?” He held his hands out, palms up. “One is physical, and one is emotional, yet only one is a sin.”
“But–”
“Did you have this ‘illness’ when you first met, or did it appear gradually?”
“After…after everything that happened. After we arrived here,” she finally said, unable to say exactly what she meant. Emilio simply smiled at her. “After I realized I loved him.” Her eyes drifted down to study her feet again as she shifted awkwardly.
Emilio’s voice was kind as he walked up and took her hands in his. “Finding happiness is never something to be ashamed of.” He squeezed her hands briefly, his smile warm as he stepped back. “Thank you for walking with me, Liliana. I'm sorry to have pulled you away from your duties just to hear my musings.”
With that, Emilio walked off to disappear around a bend, leaving Liliana alone with her thoughts once more. Had he just given his blessing for her to be with Orlok? He never spoke directly, always leaving things unsaid in the cracks between words; she could spend her entire life here and still not understand him.
But still…
Orlok was waiting for her by the door of the Church as she exited the path, the laundry basket in his hands and a nervous smile tugging at his lips. Her heart lurched into her throat, and she ran to him without thought of how it might look, tears threatening to fall – he was here, he was safe! Orlok dropped the basket just before she flung her arms around his neck and kissed him, uncaring who might be watching. His arms wound around her waist without any hesitation, his grip strong as he kissed her back, sweet and gentle.
“Hello, Lili. I just returned.” She could feel his smile against her lips before he pressed his forehead to hers. “I'm sorry for not telling you I had to leave.”
His voice was like Heaven. “You have nothing to apologize for, Orlok.” She released his neck and brushed the tears off her cheeks. Orlok held her a moment longer before letting his hands fall to her side, and she bent down to pick up the basket with a smile before she glanced down guiltily. “I'm sorry, though, for how I treated you the other day. I was unkind.”
“No. You have never been unkind to me.”
Lili's heart felt like it would burst from her chest if it didn't suffocate her first. She leaned in and pressed her forehead against his shoulder, breathing in his scent and finding it calmed her. The world felt right again.
“Thank you. Will you help me?” She pulled away and hefted the basket against her side. “We have to prepare for dinner,” and I don’t want to lose sight of you again. She finished the thought silently as Orlok nodded. He reached out for her right hand as they walked through the door, and didn’t let go.
—
He entered her room later that night, his hair a wet and tangled mess, and she set her book aside as she sighed and called him over.
“Let me dry your hair.” He hesitated and she patted the spot on the bed beside her. “Please?”
“...Okay.” He sat down as she bid, and Lili began drying his hair with the towel, careful not to tangle it too much. Orlok huffed slightly, and she pressed her hand against his forearm.
“I honestly do enjoy doing this for you.” She hoped he wasn't thinking she thought of him like a younger brother again. “Your hair is soft and beautiful, and it's calming just...sitting here like this. I like it.”
He hummed softly. Lili took that as a sign to continue.
“You were gone longer than usual,” she broke the silence a few minutes later, toying with the tips of his hair. “Were you okay? Nothing happened?”
Orlok’s breath hitched and she frowned. Lili leaned forward to catch a glimpse of his face and nearly bumped her forehead against his as he twisted to look back at her. “Ah, sorry! Are you okay?” At her nod he sighed and some of the tension in his shoulders eased. “Emilio asked me to send a message to a friend of his. It was simple enough, and safe. I just…” His face flushed. “I had to stay a little longer, is all.”
“Orlok?” Lili reached out to touch his cheek and draw his gaze towards her. “If it’s something you can’t tell me, I’ll understand. I just need to be sure you really are okay.”
He pressed his hand against hers, the metal cool against her heated skin. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.” He fidgeted, mouth opening and closing a few times before he could get the words out. “There was a Sister who reminded me of Sofia. I don’t know what Emilio wrote, but she started asking me about birds and bees, and when I didn’t understand she made me sit down and, um… I got a lecture.” He finished in a near whisper, his face a deep red, and Liliana had to bite her lip to keep back the laugh threatening to burst out. “It was…very embarrassing…”
“I remember when Elena and I were given that talk,” she finally said, quelling the laughter for a moment. “It was the most mortifying feeling.” It was odd he hadn’t gotten that yet, but that explained so much about the other night. Bishop Rosberg really hadn’t been the kind mentor Orlok thought he’d been.
“I didn’t enjoy it,” he admitted, her hand still pressed against his cheek, and only then did it occur to her.
Orlok’s feelings. Emilio’s advice. Them, alone, sitting on her bed.
Her expression must have changed with the flush that overtook her entire body, because Orlok suddenly tilted his head to the side in curiosity, his brow drawn down as he studied her face. She tried to gently pull her hand away from his cheek, but he didn’t let her. Instead he lifted his left hand up to her face, his knuckles brushing her skin, and she shivered to realize how much she wanted him to touch her again.
“Hey Lili?” His voice wavered slightly, and he traced his fingers to the nape of her neck to caress a strand of hair. “Can I try to braid your hair?”
“O-of course.” The fire that threatened to consume her very nearly did, her thoughts a jumbled mess and her heart in her throat, but she somehow kept herself still as Orlok shifted her around so that she faced away from him.
He picked up the discarded brush beside her, and Liliana sighed at the first gentle strokes through her hair. This was good, this was safe. The feelings that nearly overwhelmed her calmed down with each pull of the brush. She could sit here forever with Orlok beside her, his fingers brushing the nape of her neck as he carefully gathered her hair behind her. This was happiness, wasn’t it? This was enough.
“Finding happiness is never something to be ashamed of.”
Orlok's fingers brushed her temple as he gently separated locks of hair, the fine strands slipping through his fingers again and again. Liliana leaned into him, eyes closed as she let her feelings wash over her. Orlok had been brave enough to confront this, she could be too.
“I like this.”
“I do, too.”
“Not just this but...” She felt her face heat up. Had it ever cooled down? “Being here together. Helping out with the children, taking walks into town together.” Her heart was beating wildly. “When your hands brush mine, when you kiss me.” His fingers had paused halfway through making her braid, but Liliana continued, unable to stop but unable to keep herself from blushing and fidgeting, either. “Waking up in your arms...”
“Lili...?”
“I understand the pain you were feeling, Orlok. The ‘illness’ you described, I have it too. I just didn't realize it until the other day.” She took a deep, shaky breath. “It's so strong that it scares me, and embarrasses me, and I can’t look at you, and I nearly pushed you away because of that.” Liliana turned around so she could face him, so close she was practically in his arms. “I love you. More than anything, and I–”
His arms looped around her waist and pulled her closer, and Liliana squeaked in surprise. She was nestled against his chest, his legs to either side of her as he buried his face against the top of her head.
“Can I--” his voice broke slightly and he held her tighter. “Can I stay here tonight?”
“Please.”
